Nair I say it?!

I want to know who the individual was that made up the societal rules that we all must follow. Who was the one that constructed a society that made it unacceptable for me to tell a woman, that I do not know, her unbelievable facial hair is creating a distraction for me and the rest of the Old Navy customers! In my opinion I would be doing her a great disservice by withholding that nugget of information for which she seems completely oblivious! Am I truly expected to believe that she is unable to see her long, thick, black mustache and goatee in the mirror every morning while she slicks down her dandruff filled locks before exiting the homestead? I cannot do it! I cannot believe that this woman has not encountered any sort of reflective surface in the past 46 years which would reveal her Burt Reynolds whiskers. And let’s just say she HAS never seen herself in the mirror, she possesses hands, hands that feel, hands that know when many inches of hair are being ran through them! Let us also assume (on top of the fact that she is like a vampire and is unable to see herself in a mirror or Polaroid picture) that she truly cannot feel her furry face, would she not have people in her life to inform her that she has amber weighs of grain harvesting on her upper lip? Who is sitting across from her at the dinner table or sharing a cubicle with this woman and has not built up the required amount of courage to inform her that she has legitimate facial hair and needs to do something about it? I am sorry ma’am but please refrain from your attempts at justifying to me why you look like the daughter of Sasquatch! Ya know what ladies; there are plenty of products that can remedy the hairy predicament to which you find your lip. You can shave it, wax it, trim it, Nair it, bleach it, or even twist it into an amusing handlebar deal that would be mildly entertaining while at the same time informing the world that you know you have facial hair and choose to rejoice in it. But can I say any of this? Can I actually inform a stranger of their unkempt lip mane without facing social scrutiny? Probably not, but I guess it all depends on whether or not I truly care. I guess what I’m trying to say is there is no nice, polite, gentle, or politically correct manner in which to tell a woman she has one of Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows growing under her nose, and I don’t know about you but I would feel better if a stranger told me of my grossness rather than be embarrassed by being confronted by a friend. I mean, who would want to deal with that rollercoaster of awkwardness with someone they had to look at every day? I think I’ll pass on THAT mustache ride! That’s what she said.

I’m not rude; I’m just a crusader for sanity

I don’t know that I would make a good motivational speaker, but I do feel there is some sort of future for me in the opposite of the motivational game. I am going to become the world’s first ever justificational speaker! I mean, what does a motivational speaker really do that a quick Google search for “inspirational quotes” couldn’t accomplish? Sure, every once in a while we need a stranger to tell us something that we already knew, because for some reason common knowledge that comes from an outsider’s mouth holds more merit than the same words told to us by our own grandmother. To be in the motivational speaking sphere you need to have experienced a traumatic event during your life, overcome an implausible hardship, or possess some sort of differential circumstance compared to those around you in order to be inspirational. Well, I haven’t had anything unconventionally terrible happen to me, so my interview at Motivational Morons Inc. would be rejected from the get-go, because it would go something like this: “So, what horrific event has destroyed you and your life causing some sort of personal revelation?” “Well, it all went downhill when I went to a fast food drive-thru and they put onions on my cheeseburger even though I SPECIFIALLY asked for NO onions!! As I was scraping them off like a common hobo, I realized I needed to share my story with the world!” (That would most likely be the point at which I unleash the waterworks for good measure.) Give me a break! I don’t need to listen to how terrible your life was or how you don’t let anything get you down because you’re thankful for all things you encounter. Is that supposed to make me feel better about my situation and force me to appreciate all that I’ve been blessed with? Well, it DOESN’T. If anything, it makes me feel like a bigger asshole for blowing up at the customer service rep working at Target who won’t exchanging my last season, Isaac Mizrahi, pillow sham for the one in his new collection that actually matches my duvet cover! And am I just suppose to ignore the really gross smelly family who were sat next to me in Denny’s and made me so nauseated I couldn’t consume my Grand Slam breakfast?! I’m sorry, but I’m not thankful for malodorous individuals who ruin my delicious morning feast, and I am most certainly not going to embrace them simply because they are fellow Denny’s patrons. So, rather than having some motivational speaker tell you how you SHOULD feel, I will become a justificational speaker who will justify how you DO feel!! You want to punch that parent in the face for piercing their two year old son’s ear and giving him a blue Mohawk? Sure! Go for it. People like that shouldn’t be allowed to breed anyway! How will the kid rebel once he’s a teenager, by shopping at the Gap and listening to Pet Shop Boys? You screamed at that woman who stole the last shopping cart from you, even though she saw you already had your coupon book in it? Do it! That bitch needs to learn how the world works, and that not everyone is going to revolve around her and her ugly fat face! She may be able to push around those pansies at Costco, but she obviously has no experience with a hardcore Kroger mom! Motivational speakers make you feel guilty for losing your mind when it comes to the little things in life simply because they’ve dealt with more grandiose tribulations that you may only find in an Alfred Hitchcock movie, but my thought is: It’s the little things in life that are a real bitch, and if we don’t let out all the frustration they cause us, we’ll just end up going psycho and shooting up a Hallmark store because some funny guy thinks it’s a first-class idea to open up every single musical card in the store!!! How many times am I expected to hear “Wild Thing” before my sanity slips away? I dedicate my future as a justificational speaker to the rest of the regular Americans out there who possess common sense and have a low tolerance for stupidity, rudeness, and those with a general disregard for hygiene. I refuse to silently stand by while honest individuals are being called “rude”, “jerk”, “bitch” or “prick” simply because we will not accept the ridiculousness of those around us! I will no longer be labeled a pessimist just because; I too, have not had a rainbow surgically implanted betwixt my butt cheeks. I shall dedicate my entire being in justifying your shortcomings! That’s what she said.

Are you really surprised?

Okay, so everyone is talking about Ricky Martin and how he just came out as being gay. Am I the only one on Earth who already thought he came out? That would be equivalent to Prince coming out as gay, or every member from Queen, or Elton John, or CLAY AIKEN!! I'm not really sure about the straight men everyone else is familiar with, but the ones I know don't go around talking about shaking their "bon bon" and wearing tight leather pants and shiny shirts! I guess he could kind of get away with it as a flamboyant Latino, but even that has a limit! I'm not saying its a big deal that he's gay, I'm just saying that everyone should stop turning it into one! Bu,t now that it's official, I'll keep my eyes pealed for the In-Touch Weekly interview with him which will have him posing on the cover with a big title that says "I'm Gay!" just like Lance Bass, Ellen, Clay Aiken and every other gay celeb that has come out! You'd think they could come up with a catchier title then that, like: "Livin La Vida Homo" or something like that. Lance's could have been "Taking it in the Bass", ya know something clever!.....maybe I should work for In-Touch as a title writer. I think if I ever become a celebrity I will insist on doing an interview about my straightness, because I like to talk about myself and a "coming out" story about a straight person has yet to happen....I WILL BE THE FIRST!! I'll talk about the struggles of liking guys who are 90% douche bags, and how great it is to have someone buy your drinks at bars or pay for dinner! I'll reveal that getting married isn't really that great and planning weddings suck ass! Being straight is hard...thats what she said

I'm not putting a title!!!!!

Why is it that every time someone sees a hitch hiker they all think the same exact thing: "Ha! Good luck with that!" or "Pff, yeah right!". Sure it's dangerous to pick up a hitch hiker, but is it not the same amount of dangerous to BE a hitch hiker? Most hitch hikers have a bad rap for being dangerous killers which is totally not true...except for the ones who are. I think a great premise for a comedic movie would be about a murderous hitch hiker who is picked up by a serial killer! Then they can go on a series of hilarious hi-jinks to see who can kill the other one first! Of course in the end they don't kill each other because they become best friends, and the movie fades to black as they high-five while walking along a beach with a sunset in the background (it might also be a slightly gay romance story) Basically what I'm trying to say is, don't pick up strangers that are walking along the road unless you are the one who plans on doing some killing...otherwise it's just too dangerous!

Number one blog

Wow! Blogs! There is really nothing else that can call attention to the fact that you have nothing at all to say! I never know who exactly I should be writing for. Should I be writing to myself as if my blog were a journal? Should I write to those people who may or may not even be reading this? And what exactly am I suppose to write about? What I'm doing in my life? Give inspiration and wisdom to those who need it? Have a discussion of the world and all its happenings?? I mean really! I need a little guidance and direction here. Well, for now I will leave it all at that. I need to give myself a little time to think about what I'm doing and to whom I am doing it!